TIME FOR A NEW APPROACH TO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT
by Susan G. Adam

In 1962, Rachel Carson sounded the alarm to the cumulative effects of pesticides on our environment with her bestseller, Silent Spring. With the promise of freedom from insects, we had imagined a future bright with abundant crops and easy enjoyment of the outdoors. We were blind to the costs of this approach. This book has great relevance again today as our national principles are being systematically compromised and our children’s safe character development may be threatened. All under the guise of progress.

Everywhere our children turn they face a steady barrage of feel-good products, programs and activities offering immediate gratification, social ascendancy and the admiration of their peers. They can be popular and happy if they talk or dress a certain way, go to a select school or belong to a particular group. As parents we often treat these offerings as well-deserved fruits of progress and we marvel at how adept our children are at the social game. But we should be alert to the risks these influences can carry as well.

This in-your-face assault comes from many directions (peers, media, advertisers, even parents) to be cooler, prettier, tougher and more grown up. What a child wore yesterday is worthy of ridicule today. Wanting to linger in some childhood comfort warrants ridicule. Growing awkwardly or imperfectly warrants ridicule. There is no rest and no place to hide. The pressures find them at home through PC’s, phones and televisions. Imagine seeing a false email message circulating about you while you sit in your room. Children are now solidly in the proverbial rat race by early grammar school. Attention paid to misguided priorities distracts and detracts from children’s core character development.

Even children who have been given a good grounding in ethical behavior at home have to navigate in this high-pressure reality in school, with friends and in activities and sports. The more closely a child cleaves to parents, the more likely he or she will face significant challenges in the social world. Being “cool” vs. being “good” is an unfortunate choice – but often a very real one. Pressure to distance themselves from parents comes before our children have had the chance to develop the internal guideposts and skills necessary to navigate safely, morally and healthily.

There is growing research as well showing the power of the drive to belong. In Social Intelligence, The New Science of Human Relationships, Daniel Goleman reveals how our relationships mold not just our experience but our biology as well. “That link is a double-edged sword: nourishing relationships have a beneficial impact on our health, while toxic ones can act like slow poison in our bodies.” Our children depend on us to help them navigate these rough waters to grow up to be healthy and responsible adults.

In The Lucifer Effect, Understanding How Good People Turn Evil, Philip Zimbardo offers substantial evidence that people’s character may be transformed by the powerful forces involved in certain situations. “To what extent are we creatures of the situation, of the moment, of the mob? And is there anything that anyone has ever done that you are absolutely certain you could never be compelled to do?” People can be changed by the situations they find themselves in. We must reflect on our children’s readiness to safely weather the currents of their daily lives. How do our children find and nurture their own character and beliefs when the pressure to belong is so strong?

What can we do? Like Rachel Carson, it’s time for us to better understand what is really happening in our children’s world and recognize the consequences of these trends. Evidence suggests we may be at a tipping point with the interlocking trends gaining momentum. Polarizing political systems claim different truths from the same set of facts. Media frantically fans our appetite for celebrity gossip and idolization. Violence is peddled as entertainment. Pressure to grow up and act or be sexual mounts everyday. We should not be surprised that the three leading causes of death in adolescents - accidents, homicide and suicide - are often related to psychosocial problems. This ceases to be about fashion or weight or coolness – but about survival. We must recognize the growing toxicity of this culture on our children and accept our role in changing it - an enormous challenge that will take concerted time, effort and strength.

But there is something we all can and must do immediately to prepare our children to face these challenges more successfully. We must accept our responsibility to monitor their social pressures and values and skill development and be prepared to support them when they occasionally lose their way. By inviting them to explore their thinking about solutions even in those everyday situations, we can strengthen our relationship and extend our influence. We can no longer look at bullying, gossiping, ostracizing and other childhood maladies as simple or silly. It is hard work to be 9 years old.

Learning to navigate successfully is their work and our role can evolve into that of a coach and facilitator. Although we can’t keep them in their rooms forever – or be by their side until they reach 21, we can create a safety zone - a cocoon - in the middle of all the chaos in which they can find nourishment, practice their skills and test their wings. The butterfly story can be a metaphor for what our children need from us as they develop their character “muscles.”

Ethical development means that children learn how to make choices in context and assume personal responsibility for the outcome of those choices. Like the butterfly, they need the struggle before they can fly free. This is not a black and white world, but one where values often compete and where there is a range of possible acceptable responses. With a few grounding values and some basic life skills children can begin to explore alternatives and consequences for any action they take. It is hard work but there is no substitute. As parents and adults we need to accept that their emerging character framework will be different from ours. Different skills are required of us at this stage: learning how to guide without directing; knowing how and when to allow the struggle and requisite “bumps”; letting our children face the consequences of their behavior even if it puts a wrinkle in our own schedule or makes us uncomfortable in some ways. Keeping the relationship strong and the “release” safe is one of our core responsibilities as an adult.

Ethics
What do we mean when we speak of ethics? Webster defines ethical as “being in accordance with the accepted principles governing the conduct of a profession.” Much of the recent conversation about ethics has related to executives, politicians, physicians, etc. placing their personal interests above those of their constituents, the greater good or the community at large. The term “ethical” also applies to individuals within a community, usually referring to an assumed set of principles of what is right and wrong. In J. Rachels’ The Elements of Moral Philosophy, she states, “The major virtues are mandated not by social convention but by basic facts about our common human condition.” So, although there are some variations across cultures, generally speaking, ethical behavior is less about a set of rules or laws and is more about daily interactions that recognize and respect fellow human beings. Children see and learn about ethics by watching how we as adults treat each other in a range of situations. They develop their own character by taking actions and then dissecting and discussing the situation later, exploring their own motives and the consequences of their choices.

Values
Values are the ideals and customs of a culture or group. The United States is home to great cultural diversity. Simply spending a day in New York City and another in Aspen Colorado can give a glimpse into the regional differences in cultures and values frameworks. In addition, we have an abundance of ethnicities, religions and languages. Within any community, school or family we have subcultures based on age, personality types, artistic calling and more. We define ourselves in some part by those groups to which we choose to belong. Sometimes children will try to demonstrate their individuality by enrolling in any group other than that from which they came.

Moving through cultures means moving through variations in values frameworks. It is a wonderful aspect of our free society. Although there is broad agreement about the positive nature of values such as teamwork, individuality, honesty, humility and fairness, how those values are rated against one another varies from group to group and from situation to situation. For example, a child may participate on a team where excuses aren’t tolerated and discipline reigns supreme and find that excuses “work” at home. Or the child may have some friends who just want to hang out and others who are in a constant search for some kind of team activity. Belonging often means making adjustments in behavior from group to group. Having character means knowing the parts of you that remain constant throughout those changes - in other words, being true to yourself. The paradox for children is the need and pressure to conform with a set of “best friends” while remaining open to new discoveries. As adults it is up to us to create conditions that help our children learn to belong and migrate simultaneously.

Helping children develop their own ethical framework is challenging. As tempted as we all might be to have sweet and simple stories about what friendship is or what honesty is, the reality is often more complicated. Children face a few particularly powerful stressors that challenge or compromise character development - the need to be liked, the need to belong and the avoidance of shame. Key among these is the issue of tattling. As adults we have a reasonable expectation that our children can and will tell us what is going on in their lives. A question by a teacher or an adult such as “Who threw this ruler?” will rarely yield a willing and truthful answer. By the time a child is in primary school, he or she knows the consequences of snitching. The ridicule and isolation that would result is a price too high for most. Learning when to stand alone or when to honor the group’s ground rules is the work of a lifetime – a challenge we all face. Discernment takes time. Let’s look at how these challenges complicate a couple of universally accepted values – honesty and learning.

Honesty – Being honest is much more than stating a point of view or admitting to something that might get them into trouble. Children’s drive to be liked and to belong complicates the issue significantly as they try on new behaviors based on what their friends are doing. Friendship, loyalty, and teamwork often rise above honesty in priority. They won’t tell the truth if it would get a friend in trouble. Sharing how they really feel about a situation seems less important than going with the flow. Children won’t often be forthcoming about their own mistakes if that would threaten their ability to play and stay with a certain set of friends. All of these natural responses can be exacerbated if we as adults react dramatically without respecting the reasons they chose to behave the way they did. This is not condoning bad behavior, but instead it is about putting that behavior into a context for the child to review and discuss – and own. Developing self-awareness is the challenge.

Learning – Obviously growing up to be a responsible adult requires a child learn not just standard school subjects, but also how to be a friend, a citizen, a member of a group – and what it means to be a responsible man or a woman. The learning value is complicated for children because they are immersed in a culture that frequently and loudly peddles short-term gratification and titillation, overwhelming those virtues such as patience or tenacity. We must help children make room in all this noise for the essential work of character development, including reflection, self-awareness and communication.

Children’s avoidance of shame and ridicule further complicates learning. Making mistakes – and learning from them – is the cornerstone of all experiential learning. As children navigate through stressful situations, and have regrets or successes, there is much learning to be captured. Through routine discussions – orchestrated to reduce tension or judgment – we adults can help them review, evaluate and anticipate more effectively. Today’s frantic pace can interrupt those natural learning moments.

Each family, group or culture has a set of values they promote, either in an implied or stated way. If you enjoy classical music, the values of reflection, precision and personal mastery will be on display at a concert. Living a sports-related life can promote teamwork, strength and health. Delving into any ethnic or cultural preference can promote a broad range of virtues to honor and celebrate – from compassion and peacefulness to hard fun and celebration.

Our children learn about growing up and about character when they see how capable we all are of adapting to and enjoying a variety of cultures. Our jobs don’t define us. Our genders don’t define us. Our friends don’t define us. What does define us is how we treat each other in all of our social spheres – our character. Children who come to realize the importance of their choices in the midst of daily situations, will be more able to stand for their beliefs when necessary.

As evidence of a general decline in ethical behavior in our culture continues, it is more important than ever that we recognize our role in this decline and accept responsibility for doing everything we can to protect our children. We must all (parents, teachers, grandparents, aunts and uncles, coaches and mentors, etc.) contribute to helping them mature safely into self-aware and responsible adults. Engaging routinely in dialogue about routine challenges extends our influence and forms bonds that can last into adulthood. Not only will we make a lasting and important difference, but we have the added pleasure of being witness to the joy and the struggle of an emerging young adult.

1. Goleman, D (2006) Social Intelligence, The New Science of Human Relationships, New York: Bantam Dell (p 5)
2. Rachels, J. (1999). The Elements of Moral Philosophy (3rd ed.) New York: McGraw-Hill. (pp 186-187)
3. Zimbardo, P (2007) The Lucifer Effect, Understanding How Good People Turn Evil, New York: Random House (p 5)