Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but ...
Understanding the impact of bullying on your child.

Words will never hurt me ... really? Is it just normal kid stuff - a rite of passage? The occasional name calling, teasing, etc. is all part of being a kid - arguing one minute, best friends the next. Bullying, however, is harmful and may have long-term effects on our children - whether they are on the receiving or giving end of it.

A report issued by MonroeCounty.gov defines bullying as "an interaction between people with unequal power or status with the intent to humiliate or physically injure an individual." They report that nationally it is estimated that 160,000 students a day stay home from school due to bullying. The report also states that bullies identified at age 8 are six times more likely to have a criminal conviction by age 24.

Gotcha! Put-downs as a way to popularity [1]
One of the sources of bullying behavior is our culture's endless appetite for comic put-downs - finding clever ways to ridicule. There is a constant stream of fat jokes, gay jokes or ugly jokes. Sports trash-talking - about your competitor's mother - has become a routine part of the game. All acceptable forms of posturing - and intimidation. Is it a good process for toughening up - or is it creating an unnecessarily intimidating environment?

Belonging
Kids have to belong as they develop their social skills and define themselves in the process. One of the ways groups show their identity and power is by "dissing" other groups. Picking on weak or vulnerable kids can show you belong to the tough clique. Ridiculing someone for clinging too close to parents is a way to show you belong to the independent/ rebellious group. And teasing someone for getting good grades shows the world you don't buy into the value of education. What better way to save face when you don't get good grades?

Cyber-bullying
But now, with access to the internet, this kind of bullying can become anonymous and wide-spread with the click of a key. Groups of kids pick their victim and beat him/her up with a campaign of rumors and images. Personal and embarrassing details exposed to everyone. Imagine how devastating that could be. Where is the fun? The "fun" is found in being on the inside - controlling the process, feeling powerful and connected. Daniel Goleman writes about "flaming." [2]

Physical Intimidation
Physical threat or force has also become more of a social tool. Not only do bigger, tougher kids push others around, but now groups of girls or boys wander into situations where the individuals would never venture alone. And once there, the pressure to participate forces kids to take part in activities just to show their allegiance. We've all seen the video of girls ruthlessly beating up someone. Those bullies, when separated, would not have done it alone. But the power and lure of the group ruled.

Just witnessing bullying has an effect
Kids know it when they see it and they see it often. Many times one member of a group begins the taunting, and the other members of his/her group stand by the bully - either overtly or by witnessing and doing nothing. Routine exposure to bullying can, overtime, reduce empathy and even diminish a sense of personal responsibility for the well being of others.

How do you know if your child is involved in bullying?

A child being bullied is often hesitant to talk about it with parents or teachers. We know snitching violates a Golden Rule, and fear of further retaliation naturally looms large. By creating conditions that make it safe and easy for kids to discuss what is going on, you can at least open the door to an authentic discussion.

Do you suspect your child may be taking part in bullying behavior? Click here [3] for ways to start the conversation. [4]

Do you wonder if your child is being bullied? [5]Click here. [6]

How does all of this affect our children's character development? Obviously there are so many influences there isn't a simple answer. But there are a few risks that are worth noting.

Imagine a boy - perhaps 10 or 11 years old - who is being publicly teased for exhibiting characteristics that don't conform to what his friends define as cool. He had been comfortable behaving more like his Dad - gentlemanly, polite. But now - a group of boys has decided to focus on him, ridiculing the way he dresses, his eager participation in class - even his polite demeanor.

How might this treatment translate into his character development? Might he interpret this as a dose of reality about the way the world is different today than for his dad? Might he simply ignore/endure the treatment, seeing it as a natural difference - and choice? Might he want to belong to his peer group and therefore start conforming - at least in their presence? If the images he gets from the media - tough guys, crass comedians with butt jokes - reinforce what he [7] hears from the bullies, might he be even more inclined to buy into the need for conformity in order to fit? And we all have heard how some children fall into despair and look for ways to end the pain.

Bullying on its own has great potential to harm. When combined with other pressures kids face today, it can be a powerful trigger for a child to make some early life choices with long term impact. By keeping bullying as part of an ongoing conversation with our children, we can be part of a safety net - providing the love, balance and insights they so desperately need.

[8]Our "what's the deal?" game [9] can help you introduce conversations about bullying and many of the other pressures children face.

If you have comments and suggestions, info@ethikids.com [10].