Trying to determine if your child is being bullied ...

Most children are bullied at some point in their lives. The odds are good that you experienced it as a child. You know how humiliating it feels. Some kids may tell you immediately. Others may feel too embarassed if the discomfort is too painful - that maybe they have somehow let you down. And many will hesitate to talk about it because they are afraid you will take matters into your own hands - and make matters worse for them.

If you see a change in behavior that concerns you and you want to open the conversation, try taking advantage of any news or rumors about others.

After a bullying story about a classmate - or on the news ...

• Does any of that happen in your school?
• How do you feel about that?
• What happens when someone is being bullied - do friends help out? Do the teachers find out?
• If that ever happened to you, what would you do?
• If it ever did, know that I'd understand how difficult it is and how scary it can be to tell someone. But you and I could put our heads together and find some ways to stop it - without anyone knowing I found out about it.

Another approach after a bullying story about a classmate - or on the news ...

• What kinds of things do kids tease you about?
• Do you think its something you need to learn to deal with?
• What do you do or say when it happens?
• Do you have any friends who really understand?
• Can you think of anything I could do to help you?

The conversation requires patience and fortitude. There are three primary components:

1. Maintaining their self-esteem - kids can feel awkward and embarassed on a good day. But when they experience ridicule, particularly in front of their peers, they will want to "save face" by either fighting back or running to hide. In addition to staying in touch with ongoing dialogue, it is important to make extra sure they have a few arenas in their lives where they are succeeding and feeling proud. This gives them an anchor for emerging self esteem.
2. Helping them deal with the bully - skills. Once kids start opening up and sharing what is going on, help them see they have a range of possible responses. Ask them ...
   • Why they think this is happening. At the very least they can recognize that the bully lacks social skills so he/she resorts to bullying.
   • List a bunch of ways to respond. The pressure on them is intense and they understand their landscape and consequences. If their first response is meeker than you would like, be patient. Their confidence & skills can grow over time.
   • Choose the way that is most comfortable for them. Help them anticipate, rehearse.
   • Would they like you to help? In serious situations, of course, you may have to alert teachers or other adults supervising the children. But appreciate that in doing so the bullies may use that as reason to
3. Managing your reaction. This is a tough situation. ethiKids' butterfly story draws the comparison between home and a coccoon. You must guage the seriousness of the situation and your child's development level and decide the least intrusive and yet effective response. Swinging in to defend runs the risk of actually intensifying the bullying. So intervene with great care.