Is your child taking part in bullying?

If your child is involved in bullying (and so many children are), he/she likely already knows it is wrong. Kids often feel they have good reasons to do the wrong thing. Part of your challenge is to help them - safely - sort through consequences and alternative approaches. A lecture may add to the guilt, but doesn't help them develop the character and skills they will need to deal with the pressures that drove them to bullying in the first place. Standing apart means risking isolation.

A good approach is to explore the topic generally, calmly. Give them a chance to show what they know already about what is right and wrong. Make it safe for them to see that sometimes good kids bully. It doesn't make them a bad person as long as they learn from those mistakes and find a way to stop the behavior.

Here are a few ways to capitalize on stories in the media (or within the neighborhood) so you can slip into an easy conversation.

After a bullying story about a classmate - or on the news ...

• I wonder what might have been going on in the minds of those bullies. Why do you think they chose to do that? Why do you think they picked that person to bully?

• Do you know anyone who is a good kid - who sometimes bullies other kids?

• Why do you think that happens?

• Could you think of what might help him or her make different choices next time?

After a bullying story about a classmate being bullied by a gang or group...

• I know it can be really hard sometimes to not do what everyone else is doing.

• When I was a kid, (share an anecdote - with the regrets)

• Do you know anyone who has felt stuck - that they needed to do something they wouldn't ordinarily do?

• Can you think of some ways kids can do the right thing the next time?

Your child is into text messaging ...

• Do you know of anyone who spreads rumors or tries to intimidate someone using text messaging?

• How do you feel about that? Do you think it's an okay thing?

• How do kids deal with it when it's about them?

• What do you say to someone to help them deal with it?

If you get some information, congratulations! Keep it light and move on, The topic will come up again - same questions. Unless you hear of something egregious, keep what you hear between the two of you. This process for them is learning how to belong to their groups and be less dependent on parents for answers. Betraying this growing trust would jeopardize their position, but will likely discourage them from trusting again.

The goal?
Your child feels comfortable being authentic with you and starts to realize that your ideas and suggestions might just help them deal with all the dilemmas they face every day. You can be their coccoon.One day your child comes home and just naturally starts to talk about it. The connection will have been made. Over time these conversations can give you insights into the development challenges your child is facing. And you can plan and support accordingly.

If you become aware that your child is becoming an aggressive bullier - seeming stuck in anti-social behaviors, it is important to get the help you need to stop the behavior (and what is driving it) as quickly as possible. Check with teachers and guidance counselors and enroll their help in understanding the pattern. Child psychologists deal with exactly these kinds of issues all the time and could be just the outside voice your child needs. Studies show that children who do a lot of bullying often become isolated and depressed and are therefore more vulnerable to the temptations of gangs, drugs and ultimate delinquency.