After You

The other day I was reaching for the door to enter a pharmacy. All of a sudden a young man stepped around me, opened and held the door for me and said, “After you.” I nodded and said “thanks” - feeling happy and humble all at once.

I’m not sure of the genesis of this kind of gesture, but for that instant I was wonderfully aware of the power of cultural traditions to transform routine moments into moments of connectedness. How nice of that young man. How generous.

But just a few steps inside the door I thought about what we expect from our young men and had visions of that same generosity now playing out on the battlefield. How noble. How selfless! How sad! It brought me back to the year 1990 when I first saw the movie, “Born on the Fourth of July.” I didn’t understand why at the time, but I was drawn to attend that same movie a dozen times over the following two weeks. Something felt very wrong in me and I couldn’t figure it out. Finally I realized that what I was dealing with was my own complicity in this cultural system that grooms little boys to want to do battle on my behalf. We teach toughness. We value strength and perseverance in boys. It’s in our culture’s best interest. It’s in my best interest.

Suddenly I wanted to go find the young man who held the door. What would I say to him? Thank you? I’m sorry? Run? Very conflicted. I’m very conflicted. Values can be painful

Have our expectations of our young men changed at all since then?