Where Do Manners Fit at the Table?

We all know the experience. We’re enjoying an early dinner at a family restaurant. A mom, dad and an 8-year-old step through the door. The child is already complaining that she wants to leave her coat on. I contend that the feeling we all get at that moment has less to do with the increased likelihood that we will now be dining in a noisy environment, but more to do with the prospect of taking part in the equivalent of a values demolition derby. It’s impossible to be a bystander.

The father starts to (somewhat) forcibly remove the girl’s coat and she pulls away with an indignant pout. The parents’ internal values struggle has begun and it goes something like this:

“I love this kid and what does it hurt to let her keep her coat on?”

“But I already told her to take it off. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but now it’s important to follow through.”

“If I don’t follow through, I’m teaching my daughter that she can get what she wants by making a scene. I don’t want her to learn that.”

“But people are trying to enjoy their meal. What’s more important – me choosing this moment to make a point with my daughter – or their reasonable expectations that they can enjoy their meal in peace?”

“I’m too tired for this. When can it ever just be easy?”

“This is embarrassing – I feel judged as a parent.”

“Maybe I can regain control by implying it is just this one time.”

Whispered sternness by dad as he leans in with an uncomfortably firm grip of the hand on the now resolute child …

Cut. This is a knock-‘em-up game we’ve experienced over and over again in our own lives. It doesn’t matter if we’re the players or in the audience, the ride is the same.

Stating a value is one thing. Pulling it through the pressure and immediacy of situations like this – that’s character.

Readers, how do you think the family should have handled the situation?